(Chicago, Illinois) Decades of fossil fuel burning since the start of the industrial revolution has increased atmospheric concentrations of carbon dioxide by about 50% -- to about 370 parts per million (ppm) - a fact which all reputable scientists now say will cause the eventual destruction of life as we know it from global warming.
But while we patiently wait for that apocalyptic day to arrive, many people are now also having to deal with another sinister side effect of the extra CO2: plants are loving it. The extra plant "food" has caused a worldwide greening of the Earth, with vegetation sprouting to life in the spring weeks before it is supposed to. This unnatural disruption of Mother Nature's busy schedule has even caused some tropical species to expand their habitats poleward.
This worldwide greening has led to an unexpected problem for motorists in many countries. People are increasingly finding their cars, trucks, and SUVs covered in vegetation that has grown overnight into tangled masses that engulf their vehicles.
"I had only ten minutes to get to work on time, and I found my car almost totally covered in honeysuckle vines this morning", recalled Rachael Fillster, a freelance domestic engineer. "They were even crawling up the tailpipe".
The problem has been especially severe in urban areas, where carbon dioxide levels can soar past 500 ppm if there happens to be Hummers or vintage Corvettes driving around. It is even rumored that a few cars have been attacked by the notoriously aggressive Kudzu vine as they drive by patches growing next to the road.
"I was just sitting there, waiting for the light to turn green", said computer technician Josh Fester. "Then I heard a scratching sound on the rear window, and when I turned around, I saw a vine trying to get into my car!…it really creeped me out!"
The increasing number of such incidences has led to the formation of a few vigilante squads that are determined to keep the green invasion from getting any worse. "I got a 10-gauge Remington, and I ain't afraid to use it!", said a burly man called Billy Bob, who sported confederate flags and Lynrd Skynrd stickers on the back of his pickup truck. "I ain't gonna let no hopped-up bush get near me!....I once cut down a whole tree, just for the hell of it!"
Residents of some normally peaceful neighborhoods expressed concern about the defensive mood that has descended over their towns. One elderly lady complained, "I used to take my begonia outside for a little fresh air and sunshine every day, but now I'm worried for her safety! I just keep her safe, indoors now".
Local police departments claim that they have no jurisdiction over the problem. "There are no ordinances, or state or federal laws that are being violated in these alleged plant attacks", explained officer Joe Friday. "I'm afraid all we can do is sit back and let the plants do their thing. But if they break a speed limit, or start littering with their dead leaves, we'll be all over their asses."
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